2015 started out just like any other year; we rang in the New Year with celebrations and I made resolutions! Like everyone I was looking forward to a new beginning and I had high hopes for the year ahead. However, my health had different plans for me.

Around the second week of January, I started to feel a bit unwell. Nothing too bad at first, I just felt very out of sorts and under the weather. If you're a regular reader you'll know I keep a weekly series where I write a roundup of the week and Weekly Reflect #19 was the post I first I wrote about feeling unwell & blood tests. I'm so glad I documented the journey from the start as it helps me remember what happened when and it means I can look back on them! If you're interested, you can go back and read any of them on the Weekly Reflect label.

So what are my symptoms?

I have quite a long list of annoying symptoms but the ones at the top of that list are constant fatigue, aching muscles and joints, brain fog & sleeping problems.

Going from a being a typical, active 18 year old to being faced with pain and exhaustion at the simplest of tasks kinda hit me. Well, it would! I was slap bang in the middle of doing my A Levels, I had plans and goals and hobbies and then it all had to stop. Th best way I can describe it is it's as if someone has picked up a remote control and pressed pause on my life.

I haven't been able to attend school since that first week in January so my exams have had to take the back seat which I'm actually gutted about. I thrive on being productive and quitting is against my nature entirely.

I've been to countless doctors appointments, had a bunch of blood tests taken and seen a CFS/ME specialist. Months of symptoms and I still don't have a solid diagnosis. Why? 

1) There is no test for M.E., it can only be diagnosed once everything else has been ruled out.

2) Many doctors refuse to even acknowledge it.

It's a very frustrating situation to be in and awareness is essential!

Being chronically ill can feel quite trapping which makes it difficult to look to the future.

I want to share some things I've found make dealing with it all a bit easier!

- A lot of the time I'm guilty of focusing on what I can't do anymore but I know that's not a healthy mindset to have. Through learning mindfulness & meditation I'm figuring out how to control negative thoughts which has been a great help!

- Another thing that helps me immensely is talking to other people in the same situation. While family and friends do their best to understand, it's not really possible to fully grasp the pain and frustration unless you're the one having to go back to bed because you exhausted yourself getting washed and dressed, you completely lost all train of thought mid sentence or can't get to sleep because restless legs are a thing. If you are someone with a chronic illness, find others to chat to! Chatting to Sally was incredibly therapeutic to me -  she gave me such great advice and reassurance. Have a scroll through the hashtags on Twitter!

- Thirdly, I find the success of others to be a really powerful inspiration. Meg & Hayley- Eszti are two amazing people who inspire me all the time. I see their vlogs, hauls and outfit posts and think, "Wow, look at them being brilliant. I can do that too."

Well I hope that through this post I've given you a little insight into what it's like to be chronically ill! #May12BlogBomb is an attempt to raise some serious awareness so please get involved and share, tweet, retweet - all that jazz!

Any questions?

Thanks for reading,

Maeve

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I had originally planned for this to be an OOTD post but when I was in the car on the way home from seeing Nicki Minaj live in Belfast last night, I knew I had to just write my thoughts out.

For the past few months, this debilitating illness called M.E. (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome) has decided to plague my life and try and stop me from doing things. However, there was no way I was going to let it hold me back from the Nicki Minaj concert I had dreamed about going to for years. My close family were concerned I wouldn't be able to stand it, especially as I was going alone and I'll admit, so was I, but I was determined.

Doors for the Odyssey Arena opened at 6pm but I arrived an hour beforehand to secure my place high up in the queue. Waiting outside in the cold & rain was a real test of endurance, as was standing in the arena itself as it started to fill up. I thought to myself, "It will all be worth it when Nicki comes on." I was thrilled to be just five people away from the very front, just metres away from the stage.

Eventually, the support acts Ester Dean & Trey Songz did their sets and by this time I was in agony. Every bone and muscle in me ached but I was fueled to carry on by the excitement to finally be able to watch Nicki perform live. It was ridiculously warm and stuffy, especially at the front where people were trying to squeeze as close as they could get.

The moment the lights went down and her intro video played on screen, my heart and energy lifted. I could feel myself become incredibly emotional - in fact as I write this I'm holding back tears. Years and years of listening to her mixtapes, albums & features, watching interviews & being inspired by her words, here she was.

Her entrance song was All Things Go and the atmosphere in the arena was unparalleled. As I rapped along with every word, tears started rolling down my face.

It's impossible to put in into words how much the experience meant to me and yet here I am trying to.

Seeing Nicki smile & react to us was incredible. After a few songs she took some time to talk to us, saying how grateful she was that we were there with her when we could have been anywhere else in the world. I thought to myself, it would have been a million times easier for me to stay in the comfort of my bed where I could manage my pain but I decided to pick myself up and not let my illness get the better of me.

 Why do I love Nicki Minaj? What could possibly be inspiring about Starships or Super Bass?

It's difficult for me to pick out the one thing that inspires me about Nicki - it's her whole being that is an inspiration. If you take the time to find out about her background & really listen to the things she says in the way that I do, you might be able to get a glimpse of understanding.

Nicki Minaj taught me I can be multi-faceted.
Nicki Minaj taught me I should arm myself with as much education and knowledge as I can.
Nicki Minaj taught me that being a woman means I can be powerful.
Nicki Minaj taught me I can do anything.

During her speech last night she said that if we can imagine something then it's possible. It takes hard work & perseverance but it can happen. Those words, coming from her empowered me like nothing else.

I can do anything.



It wasn't until I sat in the car afterwards that I felt the full force of the pain my body was in. Being in the presence of woman I love so much had blurred out the exhaustion. Going last night has set me back healthwise but there's no doubt in my mind it was worth it. I felt alive for the first time in months.

I have no idea how to end this piece of writing. I really don't know how anyone will interpret this as it's very personal. No amount of adjectives will be able to convey how I feel. 

I do hope that you know anything is possible when you work for it & anything that stands in your way will be a mere memory when you overcome it.

What has been the best experience of your life?

Thanks for reading,

Maeve

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