2015 started out just like any other year; we rang in the New Year with celebrations and I made resolutions! Like everyone I was looking forward to a new beginning and I had high hopes for the year ahead. However, my health had different plans for me.

Around the second week of January, I started to feel a bit unwell. Nothing too bad at first, I just felt very out of sorts and under the weather. If you're a regular reader you'll know I keep a weekly series where I write a roundup of the week and Weekly Reflect #19 was the post I first I wrote about feeling unwell & blood tests. I'm so glad I documented the journey from the start as it helps me remember what happened when and it means I can look back on them! If you're interested, you can go back and read any of them on the Weekly Reflect label.

So what are my symptoms?

I have quite a long list of annoying symptoms but the ones at the top of that list are constant fatigue, aching muscles and joints, brain fog & sleeping problems.

Going from a being a typical, active 18 year old to being faced with pain and exhaustion at the simplest of tasks kinda hit me. Well, it would! I was slap bang in the middle of doing my A Levels, I had plans and goals and hobbies and then it all had to stop. Th best way I can describe it is it's as if someone has picked up a remote control and pressed pause on my life.

I haven't been able to attend school since that first week in January so my exams have had to take the back seat which I'm actually gutted about. I thrive on being productive and quitting is against my nature entirely.

I've been to countless doctors appointments, had a bunch of blood tests taken and seen a CFS/ME specialist. Months of symptoms and I still don't have a solid diagnosis. Why? 

1) There is no test for M.E., it can only be diagnosed once everything else has been ruled out.

2) Many doctors refuse to even acknowledge it.

It's a very frustrating situation to be in and awareness is essential!

Being chronically ill can feel quite trapping which makes it difficult to look to the future.

I want to share some things I've found make dealing with it all a bit easier!

- A lot of the time I'm guilty of focusing on what I can't do anymore but I know that's not a healthy mindset to have. Through learning mindfulness & meditation I'm figuring out how to control negative thoughts which has been a great help!

- Another thing that helps me immensely is talking to other people in the same situation. While family and friends do their best to understand, it's not really possible to fully grasp the pain and frustration unless you're the one having to go back to bed because you exhausted yourself getting washed and dressed, you completely lost all train of thought mid sentence or can't get to sleep because restless legs are a thing. If you are someone with a chronic illness, find others to chat to! Chatting to Sally was incredibly therapeutic to me -  she gave me such great advice and reassurance. Have a scroll through the hashtags on Twitter!

- Thirdly, I find the success of others to be a really powerful inspiration. Meg & Hayley- Eszti are two amazing people who inspire me all the time. I see their vlogs, hauls and outfit posts and think, "Wow, look at them being brilliant. I can do that too."

Well I hope that through this post I've given you a little insight into what it's like to be chronically ill! #May12BlogBomb is an attempt to raise some serious awareness so please get involved and share, tweet, retweet - all that jazz!

Any questions?

Thanks for reading,

Maeve

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I'll not go through the ins & outs of the symptoms I've had over the past few months as there are quite a few & we'd be here all day - maybe in another post! Basically my health has been in decline since the end of last year meaning I haven't been able to do the things I usually could, and being 18 that means mainly school. My A Levels will have to be put on hold this year which is a bit of a nuisance but I've come to accept that nothing can be done about it now.

Since January I've been to countless doctors appointments and had numerous blood tests taken, however despite that I've had no conclusive diagnosis. I've been given tablets for various symptoms but nothing seems to aid my 24/7 exhaustion & all over pain. Taking everything into account my doctor suggested that it could possibly be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which, having done plenty of my own research I agree that's exactly what it feels like. Annoyingly it's an illness shrouded in doubt, in fact lots of doctors disregard it as a real illness at all. (cue anger on part of all people with it, the pain is very real!)

Anyway, that meant that there are actually no specialist doctors available on the NHS anywhere close to where I live, hence my GP referred me to see specialist at a private clinic. I'll not go into how frustrating that is because genuinely, we would be here all day! At the end of the day, I'm just thankful there is someone I can see, y'know?



So the day finally came when I headed to the clinic with my parents, that day being yesterday. I was incredibly nervous, not knowing what to expect as well as not knowing if I'd come out of the appointment with any clearer picture as to what's going on with my health. We had to wait in the waiting room for a very long time and anyone with chronic pain or fatigue will know that is a serious test! Honestly, I had no idea how much energy was put into simply sitting up before this whole thing started!

When it was my time to see the specialist, he apologised profusely explaining he'd been booked up with too many appointments that day. It would've been very easy for me to think negatively about this but one positive I've noticed since being this ill is that I tend to adopt a "things happen & I'll just accept that" attitude.

My parents accompanied me into the room & the doctor himself was very friendly and instantly made me feel at ease which I was grateful for! Unfortunately however, there had been some kind of mix up and he hadn't received the letter from my GP so he didn't have all my info nor did he have the list of which blood tests I'd had. This kinda meant my first appointment wasn't as productive as it could've been but it's obviously not something that happens often, so if you're going into the same situation as I did don't worry!

He asked me to explain everything from the beginning which I was dreading as it's been a long time, lot of things have happened and it's hard to remember every detail! Also, brain fog is one of those really irritating things that can accompany CFS. Thankfully I'd written out a list of all my symptoms the night before that I could hand to him and talk through - this is something I really recommend doing if you're in a similar boat!

I really wanted to paint the most accurate picture of the whole thing as I could, after all he knew nothing about me! Essentially that's what he was trying to do - build up a timeline and picture so he could understand. It felt incredibly reassuring to finally be able to talk to someone who knew and understood what I was going through.



He then asked me one question that really threw me:

"What kind of girl are you?"

I was quite confused and told him I didn't really know what he meant, to which he replied he thought he already knew. I was a bit taken aback if I'm honest! He said he could tell I was a conscientious person and at that point I was still a little confused as to what he meant and how he could tell.



He then checked to see if my glands, splein and liver were swollen (which thankfully they weren't) and then he asked if I had any questions. I said I knew it wasn't an easy question but how can life with CFS be managed? He replied saying it's all down to each individual but rest is important. It's important not to over exert yourself on good days. Also, my mum asked if there were any diet changes that could be implemented to help to which he answered no, not really. He said quite frankly that there's no 'magic bottle of something you can take which will sort things out' but obviously a healthy diet is preferable.

He also further explained why he asked me what kind of girl I was. He said that it's a common trend in people who have CFS to be active people with a sense of purpose to do well. Interesting, I thought!



For a first session, I left with mixed feelings. On the one hand he was lovely, very understanding & willing to help. However on the other hand, I can't help but feel the appointment was quite unproductive - more of a 'get to know each other' than anything else but that's down to the irregular circumstance of the letter going missing. I did leave with the hope that my next appointment with him will be more constructive as he'll be ruling out the possibilities of other illnesses with more blood tests.

It wasn't until I was in the car drive home afterwards that I really began to think what he meant about the type of person I am. I never would have thought it before but conscientious is probably the most accurate way to describe me! I constantly feel like things need to be done right, fairly & to a standard - I hate thinking I've done a half-assed attempt at something! I know this is a trivial example but if we're ever having sweets in our house, I feel like I need to distribute them evenly among everyone according to colour & size so everyone gets a fair pick! Just goes to show you how much an effect the idea of being conscientious has on my life! If nothing else, it was really interesting to take away this thought process from the whole experience.



So why did I write this?

Well for one thing, it's very therapeutic to type out my experience & feelings. Two; it really helps to keep a log of everything - like I said, brain fog & memory problems! Thirdly, I really hope that anyone reading this will have one of two responses - either you're in the same situation & feel less alone or you previously knew nothing about CFS/ME but now you have a little insight into what it's like. I know it was incredibly comforting to discover other bloggers who're going through the same thing, to be able to relate to someone at last! I also know that before any of this happened, I knew very little about the illness and so any kind of awareness is beneficial.

Tips for seeing a specialist:

- Chill out and don't worry, you'll be fine! Easier said than done I know but it'll be grand!

- Write and bring a list of your symptoms!

- Wear comfy clothes & shoes - you might be waiting a while!

In short, I still don't have my diagnosis but at this stage, it's very likely to be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I hope you've been able to engage with this post & perhaps learn a little more about something new! I'm quite apprehensive about posting this but I know you're all a lovely bunch!

Have you ever heard of ME/CFS?

Thanks for reading,

Maeve

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